


I Was in the Darkness...

by Sam_Winchester



Series: Now and Then [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Abuse, First Kiss, Foster care Steve, Hurt Bucky, Hurt Steve, Non-superhero AU, Protective Bucky, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 19:40:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10578159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sam_Winchester/pseuds/Sam_Winchester
Summary: "He slid down the wall, grasping for… Something. The voices in his head, dear god, worthless, used, beaten, nothing, silenced, filthy, tainted, evil, useless, damaged, he clapped his hands over his ears, trying to block them out, trying to make everything disappear, I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t, the voice in his mind was so loud, he could hear nothing aside from the truth he had pushed down."Bucky Barnes lives in a small house with his good for nothing father and three siblings, when Steve Rogers, a boy he thought he would hate, came into his life he realized that this freckle faced kid was his savior.





	1. When Life Gives You Nothing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [My Plum](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=My+Plum).



> This is a work I posted a really long time ago on a different account and am transferring it to this account so i can update it more easily, it gets pretty dark so fair warning, there is abuse and neglect so if any of that upsets or triggers you please do not read this fic. I hope you guys enjoy.

He slid down the wall, grasping for… Something. The voices in his head, dear god, _worthless, used, beaten, nothing, silenced, filthy, tainted, evil, useless, damaged, _he clapped his hands over his ears, trying to block them out, trying to make everything disappear, _I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t,_ the voice in his mind was so loud, he could hear nothing aside from the truth he had pushed down. He wasn’t strong enough, good enough, big enough, he just wasn’t enough. The only person who had ever wanted him, don’t, just, don’t think about that. His hands couldn’t block out the noise, his breathing was ragged as he tried to catch his breath. He crawled over to the toilet his throat working but there was nothing to cast out.__

__He sat back, his eyes darted around the room, his vision blurred by the tears that had apparently entered his eyes. His hands were flying, clawing his own arms without his command. He stood and looked into the mirror. He saw his face, painted in purple and red. He stared, mesmerized, his dark hair fell around his face, his eyes surrounded by purple, partially from lack of sleep and the black eye he had received. Blood was coating his face, his entire body stilled, it looked like a mask, he was hidden, his heart beat settled, his breath was slow. _No one needs you, your father uses you, your family hates you, you ruin everything. You’re weak. You’re filthy. You tell yourself that they need you, that anyone needs you, but really, you destroy everything you touch. You turned your father into the monster passed out on the couch. You are a waste of life._ He looked down from his reflection, to the rim of the sink, three things were resting there, a toothbrush, toothpaste and… A razor.__

____His body convulsed, here in front of him, was the thing he had dreamed about, he laughed slightly, most kids dream of food, money, family. Those were the things that made him wake, sweating and shaking. No, he dreamed about a short, swift bullet to the head. He’s always had something holding him back from carrying out the deed however. His siblings needing him, well, his family was disgusted with him, and here was the razor, just waiting for him. He picked up the blade in a trance, quickly, before he could change his mind, he drew the sharp edge across his wrist, he was only vaguely aware of the pain, his eyes fixated on the blood seeping from the wound. He watched as it ran along the floor and under the crack at the base of the door. He walked over to the dirty tub and slid in, his sisters shouldn’t have to clean up after him anymore, he sat, curled in on himself as he began to shudder, tremors ran up and down his body as he gritted his teeth._ _ _ _

____He watched as the blood from his wrist stained his shirt red. That’s when the pounding began, he heard his name being called but made no response. “Bucky! Bucky! Oh god, Clint, help me with this.” The banging stopped as Bucky’s vision blurred. A crash snapped his attention to the door, as it smashed into the wall, “Bucky, wake up! Oh my god, C-Clint, shut the door, don’t let Sophia in.” There were hands on him, something wrapping around his wrist, his arm was being lifted above his head, they were shouting. They didn’t understand, he was better like this, they all were, he was dirt. His eyes flicked, black blinking out his vision. The last thing he saw was his sister leaning over him, frantically trying to stop the bleeding, his brother holding him down as apparently he was struggling to move. Then, nothing._ _ _ _

____ _ _

________ _ _ _

____ _ _

____He woke up warm, no, that couldn’t be, they had never had enough to pay for heating after mom had died. There was a beeping and indistinct chatter in the background. His eyelids fluttered open and took in the sterile surroundings. The walls were painted a light blue and medical equipment was everywhere. He twitched his legs slightly, he couldn’t move them much, something was blocking him. He felt his heart pick up and his forehead broke out in a sweat, he struggled against the heavy things resting on him. “Mmmph.” He froze and looked down, he exhaled and sank back into the pillows. “Bucky?” A muffled voice whispered, he felt a wave of exhaustion crash over him as he murmured back a response. “Yeah, I’m here.” A sudden stinging to the side of his face snapped him back awake, “What the hell?”_ _ _ _

____ _ _

____“I swear to god James if you ever do anything like that again I will leave you there!”_ _ _ _

____ _ _

____“No you won’t.”_ _ _ _

____ _ _

____“No I won’t, but you would wish I had!” Bucky chuckled softly, as he felt Nat's arms wrap around him. “Why Bucky?” She whispered quietly, he shifted uncomfortably, “I can’t right now Natasha.” He felt more shuffling and there were two more bodies wrapped around him, he hugged them with his right arm, his left was bandaged and secured to the bed. They sat like that for what felt like hours, none of them spoke, the four of them just sat on the too small bed, holding onto him._ _ _ _

____The nurse came in after a bit and said that the others had to leave while she performed tests. They did, reluctantly, and Bucky fell asleep while she was speaking to him. The next thing he knew someone was shaking his shoulder roughly, he woke with a start and immediately stiffened, the leering face of his “father” was leaning over him. “Come on, Son.” Bucky shuddered at that voice, he knew, he knew that sound, it was always followed by things even the worst nightmares could never grasp._ _ _ _

____His father stepped away to talk to the doctors as Bucky sat up slowly, icy dread seeping into his veins in place of the painkillers. “My son has never been right since his mother died. I did all I could to support him but with me working such long shifts and such little money to go around I never had the time. I never thought he would do something this selfish though, leaving his sisters and brother. My thirteen year old daughter Natasha and my eleven year old son Clint were the ones that found James. They’ll be scarred for life by his actions.” Bucky couldn’t see his face but he could smell the bullshit from here._ _ _ _

____Minutes later they reentered the room and said some things about medications that he should take, it wasn’t any use, he knew George would just take them to get high. He got to his feet and took one last look at the cheerful room, somehow the effect was useless with the present company. He was lead down the hall by his father and into the waiting room were his siblings jumped up and came to his side, Bucky insisted he was fine. He had caused enough trouble already. Bucky could hear the sound of his heart hitting the floor, shattering, before he had the time to speak he was shoved out of the doors._ _ _ _

____Bucky walked slowly to the beat up truck waiting outside the hospital, he climbed into the front seat while his siblings squeezed into the back, the truck was moving as soon as the doors shut. They drove in silence. Bucky looked straight ahead and watched as the fallen apart houses flashed by, it had started to drizzle since he had come outside, the effect made the town look even more dismal. They pulled into the short driveway to their house and got out, “You stay inside, you hear me boy? I’ll deal with all of you when I get back.” The truck pulled out again as Bucky began walking, there was no use, he could never escape the inevitable, apparently even suicide wouldn’t give him rest._ _ _ _

____He was still numb, he had been since he had woken up, he hadn’t allowed himself to cry, or speak much for that matter. But as he stepped towards the run down house he felt the barrier inside him slowly breaking, the first crack, then another. Bucky sank to his knees, not caring that the mud had mingled with the already blood stained jeans. He felt his body shuddering, his breath being pulled through his clenched teeth. His sister walked to him and placed her hand on his shoulder, his body jerked, throwing off the touch. “Just go.” He growled out, he glanced up to see the worry in their faces but couldn’t find it in himself to care._ _ _ _

____The sound of the door shutting reached him and he let his head fall. Sobs racking his body as he fell to his side. Bucky curled on his side, the slight rain had turned into heavy droplets now. _This is all your fault Barnes. Why couldn’t you have been a man? Dealt with it? Now, because of you everything's ruined. We had to pay money we don’t have to save your good for nothing life, you deserve what’s about to come to you, you deserve every bit of it._ He lay in the same position until his breathing returned to normal, his shaking lessened, he pulled himself to his feet and looked down at the bandage covering his left wrist. _How did I get to the hospital? They must’ve called the police._____

________He moved slowly towards the house, Bucky opened the door to find Sophia sitting against the nearest wall, she looked up as he entered, she had no idea what was going on, not a clue, but she smiled at him and returned to the little toy giraffe she was playing with. Bucky could remember getting her that toy, they had never had enough money for luxuries like presents and his father had never once made any effort to do something nice for birthdays, Bucky remembered walking into that store and taking it right off the shelf, he had stuffed it into his shirt and walked right back out. She had been overjoyed at the gift, It made the risk worth it. Bucky walked past Natasha and Clint and moved to his room, he sank onto the stiff bed and closed his eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Crash! Bucky woke with a start, he glanced at the clock by his bed, he swore, someone was hammering on his door, and he had a pretty good idea who. “Dammit James! Open this door right now!” He jumped to his feet and backed away, his heart was beating so fast he thought it might leave his chest. The pounding stopped and he exhaled. “You know, your brother’s waiting just down the hall, if you don’t open this door…” _No no NO!_ Bucky surged forward and unlocked the door, _please, don’t let them hear this, please, they don’t need to know.______ _ _ _

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Sir, it will only be temporary. Your wife signed you up for this service years ago and until now we have not required it. You have the chance to help a child in need. It would be four weeks at the most, then hopefully we will have found a suitable long time home for him.” Bucky heard a woman's voice issuing from the hall next to his room. Bucky opened his eyes slowly and raised his head. Mistake. It felt like someone was repeatedly hitting his forehead with a sledge hammer. He felt bile rising in his throat, he wouldn’t be surprised if his intestines came up in place of food. Bucky pushed himself to his feet and braced his arms against the wall. He could hear people talking in the other room, one of them was definitely unfamiliar. He couldn’t focus anymore as he stumbled into the bathroom, he leaned against the sink, preparing for the sight of last night’s punishments._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Bucky lifted his shirt slowly and almost threw up again. The sight of purple and green covering his chest and torso brought the pain of the night back with a crash. He ran his hand along bruises and cuts layered on top of years of the same treatment. He raised his eyes to his face and thanked every possible god. His lower body had taken most of the abuse, he was still sporting a black eye and a cut lip but nothing that couldn’t be passed of as an accident or school fight if asked. He sighed, he knew how this would work, right now he was in the safety zone, his body still too shocked to register pain, that would change. He washed off his face and what little of his body didn’t scream to the touch. Bucky lowered his shirt once more and limped back out onto his bed, waiting for the pounding in his head to stop. “Fine, I’ll keep him for three weeks tops. And my wife died last year.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I’m very sorry for that sir, and the foster care program thanks you.” Bucky heard his father grunt and he winced, he hated that sound. The woman continued to speak. “Here, come on, we’ll get you settled, your room will be right over here.” Bucky saw his door crack open and he jumped to his feet, ignoring the shooting pain coursing throughout his body. “Oh, hello, my name is Emilia Write, I’m here to introduce you to your new friend.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Bucky was stiff as three people entered the room, the one speaking to him was blonde and tall, behind her was his father, Bucky could see the raw patches of skin on his knuckles from where they had connected with Bucky’s skin and bones. Bucky was shaking, the warning look on his father’s face was one he was all too familiar with. Behind them was a small boy, he must’ve been about Bucky’s age but was half his size, where Bucky was well build, if a bit too skinny for normality, this kid looked like a walking noodle._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Bucky stepped aside as they showed him around his room and the house, he didn’t understand, why didn’t this woman see what was going on? Maybe she did, of course she did, she was a professional, she just didn’t care, she knew what his father did to him, she knew that Bucky wasn’t worth the trouble and as long as it was just him getting hurt she would overlook it. When she had left Bucky sank down onto his bed and held his head in his hands, where were his siblings? He looked to the electronic clock on his bedside table, it was 1:13, _how did they leave for school without me noticing? I couldn’t still be passed out by then could I?____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He jumped as the door opened once more, “James, he’ll be in your room while he’s here, get along.” Then the door closed and he was alone with the boy, the was carrying nothing but a small bag, Bucky stood without a word and grabbed some thin blankets from the closet, he laid them out on the cold floor and waited for the kid to move to the bed. Instead he walked right passed him and sat on the makeshift bed Bucky had made up. “Thanks, and hey, I’m sorry about this, I didn’t know I’d be stealing someone's room when I came here. My names Steve.” Bucky nodded, “Bucky. Why are you here?”  
“My mom died a couple days ago, it’s okay, we weren’t close, but still, she was the last family I had.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Sorry.” Bucky didn’t really know how to react to this kid, he didn’t seem like a threat, and Bucky could definitely take him in a fight, maybe it wouldn’t be too bad. “Your dad’s really nice to take me in like this, you’re lucky to have him.” Or maybe it would. Bucky stood quickly and spoke coldly, “That man is not my dad.” He threw Steve’s bag at him and exited the room swiftly. He sat in the hall, _I can’t do this, I can’t have another person to protect, to save. I can barely protect my own siblings, let alone a kid who has no idea of the danger.____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	2. Your Fiction is my Reality

Bucky lay stiffly in his bed, listening to the steady sound of breathing coming from the floor, it had only been five days since Steve had first arrived and Bucky had started to grow accustomed, still, he had never liked people being close to him when he was sleeping, when he was vulnerable. Yet somehow the rhythmic breathing lulled him into sleep faster than he could have imagined. When Bucky's eyes finally fluttered shut a movie began playing in his head. Bucky was standing in a large room filled with whispering shapes, the walls were grey and there was nothing in the room but a camera and a small red rug.

His legs were locked in place and he couldn't move, the room was dismal and cold and the forms were slinking along the edge, blending with the shadows. Two large doors opened against the furthest wall and a figure stepped inside, the man had a bag covering his head and Bucky could make out nothing but the glint of metal on the figures left arm. The shadows seemed to flow towards this man and the bag was ripped from his head. Bucky froze, it was him, the man in front of him had longer hair and metal encasing his arm, but it was him.

The figure didn't acknowledged him but instead walked towards a small form standing in the only light in the room. The light glowed in the boys blond hair as he turned and smiled at Bucky, his smile was filled with trust and, everything that didn't belong in this room. Bucky wanted to scream at him to turn around, to see the man raising the gun to his head. Bucky was struggling now, trying to yell but no sound was coming out. _No, he's innocent, he's light, he shouldn't be here._ Then, a gunshot, Steve stood, a look of surprise on his face, "Bucky?" He whispered, Bucky was sobbing as the body hit the floor. 

Bucky woke with a start, he could see the tremors running up and down his body, he brought his knees to his chest, wiping furiously at his eyes. _You're okay, you're okay, it was just another stupid dream._ Bucky sat up quickly and looked to his right on the floor, he sighed and collapsed back onto the bed, _he's there, you're both fine._ He chose to ignore the fact that he had started to fear for the boy beside him. He fell asleep once more.

___

 

Bucky woke up to an empty room, he sat up swiftly and trained his ears, Steve had been here only five days but Bucky had grown accustomed to the sound of breathing near him as he fell asleep. It helped that his father had held back on the drinking, slightly, while Steve was present. He knew that would end but the temporary reprieve was welcome. It had been six days since he had gone to the hospital, that was Wednesday, today was Tuesday and he couldn’t be dreading the rest of the week more. Bucky’s torso hadn’t even started to heal but his face was beginning to go back to normal.

Bucky stood and padded out into the hall, Sophia and Steve were sitting on the floor playing with her toy giraffe. Bucky relaxed as they looked up and smiled, though only a year younger than Bucky, Steve had connected with Sophia automatically. He was relieved, Sophia needed someone to play with and Bucky never really had the time. He moved groggily to Natasha and Clint’s rooms, he pounded on the doors to wake them, Natasha was up right away but it took a minute of pounding on the door and another four of yelling and shaking to get Clint vertical. Once they were all dressed in their (definitely not fashionable) clothes they were out the door. Bucky walked them to the bus stop and stood, glancing around every five to ten seconds, people who saw their family would always just know, you don’t mess with any of them if James Buchanan Barnes was around. Bucky’s fists curled at a memory of the latest time someone had forgotten that rule. In fact, that time had been the day before.

He had just gotten out of lunch and was heading to Spanish class, the route he took went passed the eighth grade math room. His school was a tiny pre through twelfth grade school, not great education wise but good for keeping an eye out for his siblings. Bucky was walking down the hall, looking at the floor when he heard the sound of a hand against flesh, his eyes snapped up and he zeroed in on the kids in front of him. There were two of them standing in front of a much smaller boy, “You just don’t know when to give up do you?” The tallest of the boys was leering at his prey, “I could do this all day.” Bucky stiffened at the sound of that voice, he knew that voice. Anger coursed through his body and he moved without thought. The tallest boy yelped as he was yanked off Steve and thrown forcefully into the opposite wall.

He landed hard and did not stand back up, the other was yelling, “What the hell?! He’s just a fucking wimpy kid!” The boy somehow lost his ability to speak as Bucky’s fist connected with his jaw. Both kids were groaning as they stumbled to their feet and took off down the hallway, Steve was standing next to Bucky with a surprised look on his face, “I don’t like bullies,” Bucky said in explanation. He walked shakily along the tiled floor, he had wanted to keep hitting them, he wanted to go back, find them, and teach them the lesson they should have known, you don’t mess with someone he loves, Bucky halted, _wait a second Barnes, you do not love Steve Rogers, yes, he is small and innocent and looks at you like you could do no wrong but you don’t love him. He is temporary, if he ever found out about what a fucking whore you are he would be disgusted just like all the rest._

Bucky was shaken from the memory as the bus pulled up. He ushered the kids on with him close behind, they moved to their regular spots on the bus, Sophia in the front seat with her friends, waiting for an exciting day in first grade, Clint and Natasha were seated at the exact middle of the bus, they always sat together, even though Clint was two years younger than her she always talked to him, and finally Bucky and Steve were in the seat farthest back. Bucky gazed out the window at the shops flying by, he wasn’t looking forward to the day, not that he didn’t excel in ninth grade, he did, but he never liked being parted from his siblings this time of year, it was the time when parent teacher conferences were going on throughout the day, Bucky knew that his father would be in one of them, he also knew that some of the other people he was, well, acquainted with, would be here as well.

 

___

 

Bucky sat through Math and Science, his first classes of the day, without problem, he got his assignments and read the material. It was all normal, so normal he almost fell asleep, lord knows he needed it with the kinds of dreams he'd been having lately. Bucky rose to his feet and gathered up his binders, he exited the classroom and made his way to his locker. Number 209 had been his locker since seventh grade, the first year they got lockers at all, he shoved his crap inside and turned around. _Fuck._

“Hello James.” A man in a dark brown shirt and light jeans addressed him. Bucky nodded to him, fighting to keep himself calm. “I look forward to meeting with you later to discuss your improvements.” The man smiled and put his hand on Bucky’s shoulder, he recoiled at the touch, the man removed the limb and stepped back, he straightened the label on his shirt that read Principal Rumlow, Bucky fought down the bile rising in his throat as the man walked away. This week was not going to be fun.


	3. Protected

Bucky had managed to avoid the principal since Tuesday, it had been darting around corners and tucking his head for the past two days but he wanted to put off the inevitable for as long as possible. Brock Rumlow was a piece of shit, Bucky had seen just how far he would go in… business. Bucky shook his head, he was trying to concentrate on Algebra but his gaze was drifting towards the door, today was the day that his parent teacher conference was supposed to begin. He kept his head down until the loudspeaker said his name, “James Barnes please go to the high school science room, James Barnes go to the high school science room.” Bucky gathered his stuff and walked jerkily down the hall, this meeting was going to be about anything but school.

___

 

“What the fuck did you think you were doing?! Now I’m going to have to pay for the damn thing!” Bucky was sitting, stalk still, on the couch, listening to his father yelling at Steve, every one of his muscles were bunched, begging him to leap to his feet and do something. Steve shouldn’t have aimed so high. Bucky had been surprised by how well Steve was doing in archery, the only Gym activity he didn’t fail at. But Steve had pointed the bow too high and let go at the wrong moment, causing the arrow to fly through a school window, luckily there had been no one inside but they still had to replace it with money they didn't have. His father had been angry enough after the meeting between him and the principal, that had been before lunch, right after was Gym, needless to say, he was scared. Bucky listened to more of the ranting, Steve had said nothing, this was his first encounter with Bucky’s real father of course, terrified could not even hope to explain the feeling when Bucky had had his first encounter.

Steve’s silence had seemed to help, his father had started sounding less angry and more drunk, “You should be grateful that I even took you in, I knew your mother, she was a fucking bitch!”

“Shut up.” Steve's voice was stressed, wavering from anger and no doubt fear.

_Oh god Steve, don’t._

“What did you just say to me?” His father's voice was filled with rage as he spoke. “I told you to shut up about my mother!” The hollow sound of fist against flesh echoed through the house, Bucky was on his feet and racing through the house before his brain could stop him. Steve’s cry of pain cut him like a knife as he threw himself against the locked door to the kitchen, it burst open with a crash and Bucky froze, consuming his vision. His father had Steve pushed against a wall and his hand was raised. Steve face was bloody and already starting to bruise. “Get. The fuck. Off him.” Bucky could not even recognise the growl that issued from his throat.

His fists were clenched at his sides and venom laced his voice. “I see my little Asset has come to save the damsel.” George sneered at him as he stepped away from Steve, advancing towards Bucky, “Steve run.” “What? No!” George turned back to Steve, raising his fist, the boy flinched sprang forward. “Run! Come on old man is that all you got?!” Bucky yelled at his father, he grabbed the arm raised above Steve, praying that the insult and motion was enough to distract him from the small boy. He hated the hurt, scared look on Steve’s face but knew that what was coming next would hurt far more. Steve began to back out of the kitchen, George made another move towards him but Bucky headed him off, putting himself in between the two. He didn’t care what he got as punishment, didn’t care about the agony sure to come, all he knew was that if he saw his father’s hands on Steve again, he wouldn’t be able to hold himself back, he would kill him.

Steve slipped out of the door and Bucky heard the sound of pounding feet racing along the hall. He turned to his father and was met with a punch to the jaw, he fell to the floor as another blow was delivered to his stomach, “I guess the lesson I taught you Wednesday didn’t get across. You disrespectful. Worthless. Filthy. Piece. Of. Shit!” Each word was punctuated with a kick, Bucky curled in on himself and gritted his teeth as each blow landed. It felt like someone was driving a knife through his flesh with a sledge hammer. He tried, praying not to make a sound. He learned early on not to show pain or fear, it only fueled the flame.

Bucky felt his scalp sting as he was lifted by his hair and thrown into the wall. “Let’s have some fun.”

___

Bucky opened the door and staggered inside. He collapsed on his bed, tears still leaking down his face. Steve jumped up from his spot on the floor and rushed to his side, he reached out to grab Bucky’s shoulder to steady him but Bucky yelled at the touch. He wrenched his arm back, forcing himself not to puke. His shoulder had gotten the brunt of the broken bottle his father had hurled at him. Blood was soaking the ripped black T-shirt he was wearing. Bucky sat, shaking, his body screamed but his head was too clouded to do anything about it. Steve was speaking to him but Bucky could hear nothing but the pounding in his head and the still echoing shouts of his father. “Bucky! Bucky come on you’re okay, you’re okay, can you hear me? Please talk to me, Buck.” Bucky turned his head to look at Steve, he saw the fear, the panic, the revulsion, _he hates you, he knows how pathetic and weak you are._ “Bucky, why? You shouldn’t have done that, I could have dealt with it. I mean I bruise like a plum but I could have handled it.”

_He doesn’t want you,_ Bucky whimpered and turned his head away, _he shouldn’t look at me, he’ll see what I really am, _Bucky felt a soft touch on his cheek, the warm fingers turned his head back to Steve, Bucky closed his eyes, he didn’t want to see the look of disappointment. Then there was soft lips against his, Bucky’s heart lept into his throat as the lips brushed gently against his, this feeling was the purest thing he knew, it filled his chest to the point that Bucky thought his heart would leap out of him. The lips drew away, he felt himself make a sound almost like a whine at the lack of touch. Bucky opened his eyes to see Steve leaning over him, his eyes were bright, the blue seeming to ripple like the sea. Bucky’s breath caught in his chest as he leaned forward slightly, brushing his own lips over Steve with a feather light kiss.__

__Steve moved beside him on the bed and pressed gently against his side, leaning his head on Bucky’s uninjured shoulder. Bucky melted into the touch, his muscles relaxing fully for the first time in months. Bucky slowly maneuvered himself onto his back, avoiding putting any pressure on his bruised ribs. Steve followed, curling himself into the space between Bucky’s arm and side. “Goodnight plum.” Bucky whispered, not even sure if he had heard. He had given up on the thought that maybe he had when he heard a murmured response, “Goodnight, my knight.” They didn’t say another word but Bucky felt the small form besides him drift away into unconsciousness._ _

__Bucky molded himself as close to Steve as he could without waking him, He rested his head above Steve’s, his chin tickled by the soft blond curls. Bucky looked down at the too small body, pressed trustingly against his side, he stared at Steve’s long eyelashes, fluttering slightly with each breath, Bucky felt something rise up in him, a snake coiled, prepared to strike if anyone lay a finger on the one thing in this world that was pure, that was perfect. Steve was his, if anyone thought different, he was all too ready to prove them wrong. He lay there, still coated in blood, he watched as the red seemed to blur the barrier between the two. The bleeding had all but stopped when he was eventually coaxed into sleep, the warmth of Steve by his side created the first nightmare free rest he had had in months._ _


	4. No Trouble in Paradise

Bucky was lying still, not wanting the wake to fragile form tucked against him. _What did you do Barnes? You fucking ruined everything, he’s gonna wake up and flip out, he’ll hate you, he probably didn't even mean to kiss you._ Everything vanished from his mind as Steve opened his eyes, he smiled up at Bucky, such a small movement. It softened every line on Steve’s face, Bucky smiled back, not really knowing why, just knowing that it was them, they were them.

Bucky sighed, of course Steve didn’t hate him, he probably didn’t even know what hate was. Steve moved closer to him and Bucky hissed, the pain had definitely returned and every bone in his body felt like it had been snapped repeatedly, he didn’t doubt that a few had.

Steve’s brow furrowed when Bucky tensed, “Are you okay? What am I talking about? Of course you’re not, your shirt is literally crusted with blood! Oh my god your face!” Bucky groaned as Steve continued to talk, last night it had been too dark to really see the extent of his injuries but today was a different matter.

He shoved the covers off of him and stood, his muscles did not agree with this action but he managed to stumble into the bathroom. Steve followed suit, still talking about the various injuries visible on his face.

Bucky didn’t even bother raising the shirt off his head, instead he pulled at the already existing tear and shrugged the stiff material off his body, Bucky heard Steve gasp, he stopped talking mid sentence as he stared into the mirror and saw the physical hell covering his body, “Bucky, I, how could he, I’m gonna throw up.”

“It’s okay, it always looks worse than it is.” Steve stepped closer, “Bucky, I am so sorry,” Bucky heard the break in Steve’s voice, he turned and wrapped the shaking body in his arms, he held onto Steve tightly, “Stop, just don’t, I won’t let him touch you.” Steve stepped back nodding, Bucky smiled painfully at him as he forced down the bile rising in his throat.

The thought of his father getting a hold of Steve, he shuddered, “I-I have to take a shower.” He shut the door, and moved stiffly to the shower, he turned the knobs to the highest possible setting, he desperately had to wash the smell and blood from last night completely off.

Bucky removed the rest of his clothing and stepped into the steaming spray. He braced his arm on the wall, allowing himself to feel all that had happened last night, everything hurt, the steaming hot water stung in the cuts lacing his face.

Bucky slid down the wall and sat, unmoving, trapped in his own skin as the rain pounded down on him. He stayed like that until the shower ran cold, until he could no longer feel the fear and the water had run clear and the blood had washed down the drain. Steve knocked lightly on the door, telling him that the sun would be up in a couple hours and they would have to face yet another day. Bucky shut off the water and wrapped a towel around himself. Steve was sitting on the bed, staring at the wall, Bucky walked swiftly to the small dresser in the room.

He grabbed his clothes and went back into the bathroom. He changed quickly, wincing as he pulled the material over his head. He looked into the mirror, his dark hair was still soaking wet, it flopped over his eyes so that there was only a shred of blue visible. Bucky opened the door once more and plastered a smile on his face, "We should go wake the others, it's almost seven." Steve snapped out of his stupor and looked up at Bucky, he raised his skinny arm off the bed and touched his nose, "Not it!"

"Oh come on! Clint sleeps like a rock!" Bucky laughed as a grin spread across Steve's face, "Should have called it!" He danced out of the room, and Bucky shook his head, still smiling slightly, he began the long process of waking the three other kids. 

 

\---

 

Bucky had never really asked to be liked, he wasn't one of the kids that desperately needed to be noticed or admired, it just sort of happened. Girls were always chasing after him, although he did nothing to encourage them he didn't really mind it either. He never dated anyone though, yes, occasionally he would make out with some random girl, or guy for that matter, but he wouldn't go further than that. People liked him still though, he couldn't understand why, he wasn't exactly the easiest person to be around.

He had gotten pulled into the office several times before for injuries so by now he knew what to say and when. He was sitting in one of the hard wooden chairs, nodding on cue, explaining how the bruises and cuts littering his face were from crashing on his bike, Bucky knew how to lie, he had done it since he could remember.

Every time someone questioned his explanation he waved it off. No matter what he would not leave his family alone with his father and that is exactly what would happen if social services got involved.

He was out of there in ten minutes flat, on his way out he saw Steve in the hallway, the kid was standing, staring at a poster tacked to the information board. Bucky walked quietly beside him and followed his eyes to one of those military recruitment flyers. Steve was just staring at it, "Steve?" The smaller man jumped as if he had not noticed the person beside him, "Oh, hey, don't you wish you could sign up now?"

"Not really," Bucky looked down at Steve. "Oh, well I should get to class." Bucky watched him walk off down the hall, he sighed, Steve was the kind of person who couldn’t wait to get into the thick of things even if he had no idea what pain could do.

\---

It had been a week, one week since the scrawny kid had showed up at his house. Bucky had stayed outside since the incident with his father, he couldn’t afford to make him angry and get another beating. Bucky and Steve got off the bus and walked slowly into the house, george was at his work, ever since Bucky’s mom had died of cancer his father had been working as a janitor for the school.

Whenever Bucky saw him at the school he would steal himself and not quit run away, more like a brisk walk. The two boys dropped their bags off in the bedroom and headed back outside, Bucky tried to spend as little time inside as possible, George wouldn’t be getting home until late, there had been some screw up in the kitchen that he had to clean so he would be gone awhile. Bucky’s bruises had begun to disappear and he had decided that no bones had been broken, he was lucky.

“I want to show you something.” Bucky’s voice was soft and Steve looked up at him, “Close your eyes.” Steve shot him a questioning look but did as he was told. Bucky took him gently by the shoulders and began to walk, he lead them through the path he had taken every day after the worst had happened.

They crossed into the woods and Bucky was sure to avoid every large stick or rock, careful not to trip the smaller man up. They walked for a while, Steve kept his eyes shut, his hand resting on Bucky’s arm, the complete trust he had in Bucky made his heart want to melt.

Finally he stopped, his heart was beating hard in his chest, he had never shown anyone this before, he took a deep breath, “You can open them.” Steve’s eyes fluttered open, he gazed out and he gasped. In front of them was a small pond, the water so still and clear, the beginning splashes of orange from the oncoming sunset reflected perfectly. Steve stepped forward, he reached out to touch the water but stopped, he turned back to look at Bucky.

His eyes were glowing and Bucky felt himself smile, he crouched beside Steve, looking into the shimmering water below him. Bucky looked at Steve, his eyes were searching the water, enveloped in something he had never seen before. Bucky stared at the pale face, the sun was at such an angle that the blond hair on Steve’s head was glowing, his eyes were more blue than the water in front of them, they were dancing with the tiny waves moving on the surface of the pond, his skin looked smooth and perfect.

Bucky was caught up in all things Steve. He reached out and touched the water ever so lightly, the tiny movement caused ripples to spread throughout the pond. Steve turned to look at Bucky, he had never touched such a large body of water before, everything about this place, the pond, the rocks, the woods surrounding them, it was all so alien in a place like this. Bucky knew how he felt.

Every day, after he had been hurt or yelled at or when he just didn’t feel like living anymore he would come here, he would stare out across the water and watch the sun go down, watch the way the oranges and reds and purples would turn the leaves to fire and make everything, every problem in his life seem irrelevant. And every day before he left he would carve something into the boulders lining the small pond.

Names, hopes, pictures, or even just slash marks to show that he existed, it was all here, it was all his. “Thank you. I-I just-” Steve’s eyes were glistening, he did not look at Bucky but instead gazed in wonder at the paradise that surrounded him.

“I know.” Bucky replied, he did not need to be told how perfect this place was, it told everything itself. Steve stood and walked to the nearest rock, it was a few inches taller than him but he picked up a smaller, sharper rock and began to carve. Bucky stayed where he was, watching as the last threads of light disappeared over the horizon, only then did he stand. He moved beside Steve and smiled, there were three things etched roughly into the stone, but those three things marked it as theirs, it was all them.

Steven Rogers

James Buchanan Barnes

Forever


	5. Old Wounds

The walk back from the lake had been quiet, neither of them felt the need to speak, their names, etched into stone was enough. The moment they stepped into the house Bucky tensed, shouting could be heard from where they stood, that wasn’t right, his father shouldn’t have been home yet. He tore through the hallway, catching himself in the door frame to the kitchen to stop himself from colliding headlong into Natasha. “No way! Superman could beat the hulk any day!”

“You have got to be kidding me! One punch and that leotard wearing geek would be halfway to the sun!” Natasha yelled back at Clint who was sprawled out on the floor, nose buried in a comic. He raised his head, “Do you know nothing about about the Kryptonian race?! I mean it’s like you’ve never even - oh, hey Buck, hey Steve - read the comics!”

Natasha nodded her head at the two before turning back to Clint, “Clint, I know you’re a boy and it’s genetically coded into you to be a prat but I was born before you and have had that much more time to ruin my social life with Marvel characters!” Bucky felt his racing heart begin to calm as he watched the two go back and forth, he stumbled back into the hall, adrenaline still thrumming throughout his body.

Steve reached out and touched his arm softly, concern filling his eyes as he looked up at the taller boy. Bucky just stared back, Steve reached for Bucky’s hand, he gave it to him without protest and allowed himself to be lead back to their bedroom. He sank down shakily onto the mattress, Steve’s baby blue eyes were fixed cautiously on the older. Bucky’s heart picked up once more, the look that Steve was giving him was the same one he got from concerned teachers and friends.

Since the day Steve arrived Bucky had refused to talk about his various injuries, he knew that Steve knew that his father had been the one to beat him within an inch of his life because he had been there. But Bucky was sure to present it as a singular event. “Bucky?” The small sound made Bucky turn his head, refusing to meet the worried eyes before him. “Please talk to me, I know that-” he swallowed hard, “That your dad…” Bucky growled low in his throat, Steve flinched away and Bucky immediately felt bad, “Look, I just, I can’t Steve, I just can’t.”

“But maybe I can help, if you told someone maybe we could get you out of here-” Bucky lunged to his feet, “No! I’m not leaving my sibling alone with that monster!” Steve drew back, fear in his eyes. Bucky let out a shaking breath, “I’m just so fucking tired of being scared. I won’t let them get hurt. If he ever, if he ever touched them…” Bucky sat back down, he turned and looked at Steve, his eyes dark. “If he ever touched you…”

“He won’t Buck, you won't let him, and one day you’re gonna get out of here, who knows, maybe we’ll both find our way out of Brooklyn.” Bucky just nodded, he didn’t believe he would ever make it out, ever see something beyond the pain of the immediate, he had too many people resting on him.

The thought of leaving his siblings alone without his protection made him feel sick, all those nights, when he had begged for his father to be quiet, to not wake his little sister down the hall, all those times he hadn’t fought, too afraid that if George didn’t get what he wanted with him, he would move on to his brother. No, the two people he wanted to kill most were also the two that broke him, his father, controlling him, using him, beating him, and, it made him sick to even think of the name, Brock Rumlow, the reason he hated having his picture taken.

Bucky Barnes would never escape, would always be haunted by his past, scars and broken promises would be all people would remember him by when he was gone. Bucky was shaken from thought by a small hand roaming his wrist, the trail of heat the soft fingertips left behind caused something in him to stir. The hand brushed over the small bandage around his wrist, Bucky had lied early on, telling him that the wrapping was from an injury obtained from playing soccer in the tiny courtyard behind their school.

Steve turned his hand over slowly so Bucky’s palm was facing up, Steve ghosted his nails of the soft pad between his thumb and forefinger. The movement tickled slightly, but it also stoked the feeling rising in Bucky’s chest. He closed his eyes as he felt the warmth from Steve’s lips tracing the joints on the inside of his fingers. His eyes flew open as the smaller boy grazed his teeth above the bandage, his innocent blue eyes looking up into Bucky’s with just a hint of mischief visible there.

Bucky let out a sound that he did not want to admit was close to a moan. He shoved Steve back further onto the bed, he lowered himself on top of the bird boned boy, he braced himself on his elbows, not wanting to crush the kid. Bucky looked into Steve’s wide eyes, he leaned in closer their lips just brushing when a bang caused them both to jump to their feet. Heavy footsteps clunked past them and into the living room, minutes later the groaning of the couch was their clue that it was safe to come out, George was slumped on the worn leather, a bottle of beer already opened in his hand.

His eyes were fixed on the TV, watching a football game Bucky could guess. Steve and Bucky slunk back into their room, Bucky cleared his throat, the moment of heat had passed, he squinted his eyes, ashamed of how, well, turned on he had been, still was, at the sight of Steve’s blond locks falling like a mop around his impossibly huge eyes. He cleared his throat once more to see Steve grinning at him, sly bastard, he knew exactly what he was doing.

Steve Rogers, though adorable and the most cupcake like person he had ever met, was in no way oblivious. Bucky shifted, annoyed, as the smaller boy climbed underneath the covers laid out on the floor, the stupid smile still plastered on his face, Bucky sank into his own bed, he didn’t really understand, he had made out with plenty of girls, and guys, before, he had no idea how this dopey kid could get him so twisted up in a knot, “Night Buck.” He heard whispered from the floor, “Night Steve.” He replied.


	6. Now and Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very short but I wanted to do these characters justice and not attempt to overwrite and screw it up. I'll be writing part two soon, I love and do take seriously any and all advice comments. Thank you! I hope you enjoy.

It was fitting that the day Bucky removed the bandages from his wrist was the day a larger wound was torn into him, far surpassing any physical pain he had felt. The beatings, the humiliation, even the pain that he thought was worse than hell had an end, this, this he was sure would carry on forever. In the course of one month he had tried to end his life, met an angel, and fallen so deeply for that golden haired boy that he knew he would never climb out. And now that same boy who had captivated him at first sight and suddenly made his life bearable was being torn away.

That morning the two had woken side by side and lain in each other's arms, neither prepared to face this life alone. Bucky held Steve, the most fragile thing he had ever seen, but at the same time the bravest man he has ever known, he just held him. One arm wrapped around the boy’s shoulders and the other around his waist. His hands were not what kept Steve there however, it was his eyes, the ice blue glare that many a person found themselves trapped under was replaced by a mesmerized gaze as Bucky mapped every inch of pale skin and smattering of freckles, every drop of shining blue eyes and each sunny hair, thread by thread. He refused to forget any of it. At one point steve began to cry, burying his face in Bucky’s shirt so as to hide his tears.

With each passing second and every staggered breath he felt his baby being dragged further and further from him, gently bringing one calloused finger under Steve’s chin he lifted the face shining with tears and kissed him. It was slow and so desperate that he whimpered, letting himself feel everything for just a moment. This boy, this boy that came into his life as just another mouth to feed was now the mouth that pressed against his every night. It was insane but the most natural thing in the world. After time had passed they had stood, shoulder to shoulder and began to do what needed to be done for the day. Once changed and packed Steve had taken Bucky by the hand and led him, as Bucky had done weeks ago, to their spot across the pond.

They sat on the boulder that had their names carved into it and watched the sun rise. Pink splashes and blue that matched Steve’s eyes perfectly, spreading across the rippling water, covering the stars in fluffy blankets of cloud. “I love you,” The words had been drawn from Bucky without intention but fit perfectly in the still air, the end had been drawn up like a question, begging for an answer. One that of course, came. “I love you.” The response was sure, as though the freckle faced kid beside him had never known anything more definite than those words. “Don’t let him hurt you any more Bucky. Please.” Bucky squeezed Steve closer to him, his hurt panging at the care that Steve had for him. He rested his head on the younger’s shoulder, “Okay Steve.”

“Promise?” The small voice hurt, Steve turned and up at him, the usually strong face cracked, letting the fear behind it show. “I promise, Sunshine. I promise.” James Buchanan Barnes was not known for much, but he always kept his promises. They talked for a while, Steve telling him about how he was going to join the Army as soon as he could and how they would see each other again and what dog they would get when they lived together. Bucky listened intently, with Steve nestled between his legs, leaning back against his chest, facing the water, the small boy could not see the wetness sliding down Bucky’s face as he felt his heart slowly, agonisingly slowly, break into a million little pieces. All of them belonging, now and forever, to Steve Rogers.

Now as Steve was clinging to him and Bucky refusing to let go, despite the protests from the social worker and veiled threats from his father, he inhaled, trying to memorize as much of the smell and feeling of the angelic being in his grasp as he could. Bucky’s tears turned Steve’s light hair dark as they fell. He whispered, “I love you. I’ll find you again. I promise.”

“I know you will Buck, I’ll be waiting. I love you.”

Bucky always keeps his promises.

_To be continued..._


End file.
